Christmas with the Cullens
by Writting2StayHalfSane
Summary: With the holidays looming you'd think the Cullen's would all be happy. But they're not. Everyone is fighting and Santa has drooled on Alice's favorite jeans! Where has all the Christmas spirit gone? It seems they need someone to show them. Crack!fic


_**December 23**__**rd**_

**At The Mall…**  
Alice: Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! *shrieks*  
Esme: *in a soothing voice* Remember your "Shop Meditation" *moves hands up and down* in and out, in and out.  
Alice: *completely ignores Esme* Oh my gosh, its Santa! *points towards a very fat, suspicious man with a freakish, fake beard*  
Emmett: Aren't you a little old for Santa?  
Alice: *glares at Emmett*  
Edward: Apparently she is not the only one who thinks they're not to old for Santa. *points over to 'Santa' where they see Seth Clearwater on his lap wearing a costume.*  
Rosalie: Not them again. We run into them everywhere! When will they ever learn? I wanted to teach them a bloody lesson but No! Carlisle is Mr. 'Play Nice, They Are Our Friends' guy. Come on Emmett; I need some new Christmas lingerie. *struts away heading for Victoria's Secret *  
Emmett: *grins mischievously* Coming right away!! *runs after her*  
Everyone but Emmett, Rosalie and Alice: *look away in disgust*  
Alice: *too enthralled with Santa to notice Emmett and Rose*  
Jasper: *recovers quickly from Emmett and Rose's outburst and turns to Alice* Santa Time? *holds out his hand for her*  
Alice: *gladly excepts Jasper's hand*  
Alice and Jasper: *walk away happily*  
Edward: *talking to Bella* Is there anywhere you want to go or anybody you want to see?  
Bella: *between kisses and caresses* Go? Home. See? You.  
Edward: *smiles with satisfaction*  
Esme: Umm…Carlisle? Let's go to…uh… *looks around quickly and names the first store she sees* Hot Topic!  
Bella: *pulls away from Edward just in time to see Carlisle and Esme fight their way into Hot Topic* She'll never get used to it, will she?  
Edward: *opens mouth to answer her but is interrupted by a Security Guard*  
Security Guard: Hello there!  
Edward: *raises eyebrows* Hi?  
Security Guard: Sorry to interrupt but, um, yeah…we've had some complaints about your being so…open…in public.  
Bella: *speaking slowly* Oh, officer…Did you want a kiss too? *caresses his face*  
Security Guard: *drool* Uhhhhh…. *kisses Bella* Yes…Um…Sorry…'bout that. Have a just hunky dory day!! *grins and walks away*  
Edward: *snarls angrily at unnamed Security Guard* Let's go! *grabs Bella's hand and walks out with her in tow*

**Meanwhile with Alice…**  
Santa: *checks Alice out* And what do you want little lady?  
Alice: Oh! Oh! I want *names many brands of designer clothes*  
Jasper: *throws spit wads at all the elves and even Santa Clause himself*  
Santa: *drools on Alice's jeans*  
Alice: *stops in mid sentence and snarls* You just drooled on my $500 jeans from New York!!! You ugly, fat, and so not jolly enough waterspout!!! *slaps 'Santa' * By the way, you smell like onions!!! *jumps of his lap and takes Jasper by the arm* Come on Jasper we have shopping to do! *glares at 'Santa'*

**Meanwhile at Hot Topic:**  
Esme: Carlisle, you need to talk to Edward about his physical relationship with Bella. It is out of control!!!  
Carlisle: *sighs and picks up a shirt at random only to find it is a bra, drops the so called shirt* I know…but it's not him most of the time…its Bella…and I don't feel comfortable talking to her about _that_.  
Esme: Maybe we should just stay out of it…although he probably has read our thoughts about this.  
Carlisle: *sees a weird girl with creepy cloths and many piercing, shudders* Let's continue this conversation elsewhere.

**One Hour Later…**  
Carlisle: Are we all here?  
Jasper: Edward and Bella aren't here yet.  
Carlisle: They went home to…be…alone.  
Rosalie: *groan* Again? Even Emmett and I never did it that often!!!  
Carlisle: We're working on it…  
Esme: So…*changing subject* Alice, how was Santa?  
Alice: *grimaces* No so good…but on the bright side I got twelve new pairs of jeans to make up for the ones he drooled on!!!  
Esme: Good for you, honey!!! What about you Rose?  
Rosalie: *shrugs trying to downplay it so as not to be a hypocrite* I found some nice…things. *thinks* Emmett sure knows his underwear!!!  
Carlisle: Let's go gang!!!  
All: *leave the mall to return home*

**At the House…**  
Carlisle: Edward! We're home.  
Bella: We're watching a movie.  
Esme: *smiles* Maybe they're finally…cooling down.  
Carlisle: I'll talk to him anyway to make sure. *louder* Edward! My office now!

**In Carlisle's Office…**  
Carlisle: Your mother and I are worried about the amount of time you are spending showing you love physically for Bella.  
Edward: Umm…Bella's a bad influence?  
Carlisle: Do you want to spend the rest of eternity with a bad influence? There are other options…  
Edward: *snarls* What are you getting at?  
Carlisle: I love Bella, don't get me wrong, but is she right for you, Edward? Do you love her or love to use her?  
Edward: You know the answer to that! *tries to calm down* I'll talk to her…*walks away angrily and slams the door*

**In Carlisle and Esme's Master Suite…**  
Esme: So, it went okay?  
Carlisle: That's a bit of an understatement…  
Esme: Well, he is an adult…Give it time. Anyway, do you remember when we first got married? *eyes Carlisle suspiciously*  
Carlisle: *grins* Do I ever! *growls and walks toward Esme suspiciously…*  
Writting2StayHalfSane: I think we should skip this awkward part!  
sunshinefanatic: My thoughts are in complete unison with yours! *skips awkward part*

**Up in Edward's Room…**  
Edward: *peeps head in room* Hello!  
Bella: Hey. *sees Edward's troubled expression* What's wrong?  
Edward: I thought I was the mind reader. *attempts a smile*  
Bella: *gives Edward a 'tell me the truth' look*  
Edward: I'm sorry Bella but I'm going to have to kill you. *growls angrily and pounces forward*  
Emmett: *runs in and uses his hands as restraints to stop Edward* Whoa, bro cool it! Don't make me bring Jasper up here!  
Edward: Emmett, don't try to stop me. You know you want her gone too!  
Emmett: *stops restraining Edward* You're right!!!  
Jasper: *having heard the whole thing from the bathroom where he was helping Alice with her hair, runs into the room with Carlisle by his side*  
Jasper: *grabs Emmett*  
Carlisle: *struggles to restrain Edward*  
Jasper: *does weird make-you-calm-even-if-you-may-not-want-to-thingy-ma-jigger on everyone*  
Edward: Jasper, join us!  
Emmett: Yes, Jasper join us!!!  
Jasper: *growls* I will not turn on my favorite sister!  
Emmett: You did not just insult my wife! You're goin' down! *karate chops Jasper*  
Edward: *in a sly voice* I was just playing around Carlisle…really.  
Carlisle: *picks up Edward in a very large hug* I love you son! *smacks Edward* BEHAVE!!!  
Edward: Oh, dad! You've led me down a righteous path and I will forever be grateful!  
Emmett & Jasper: *stop fighting to view such a tender moment* Ahhh!!!  
Carlisle: Oh, my son, my first son. *sincerely smiles* I love you!!! *grasps him in a hug*  
Emmett: *if he could cry he would*  
Everyone: *joins hands and sings the Barney Love Song in unison*

Barney Love Song: (for those unfortunate souls who have not had this wonderful song as part of their lives)

_I love you, you love me. _

_We're as happy as friends could be. _

_With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you._

_Won't you say you love me too?_

_**Christmas Eve **_

**In the Living Room…**  
Rosalie: *in a whiney, girly voice* Emmett! I'm so bored!  
Emmett: We could go to the mall.  
Rosalie: We did that yesterday. *puts arms around Emmett's waist*  
Emmett: Hunting?  
Rosalie: We did that last night. *kisses Emmett*  
Emmett: We could to the grocery store…  
Rosalie: *is upset Emmett is not getting the clues she is giving him then pulls away confused* Grocery Store? Why would we go there?  
Emmett: I don't know maybe to…never mind.  
Rosalie: *puts arms back around Emmett's waist* I have an idea!  
Emmett: Well why didn't you say so? What is it? *eagerly awaits her answer*  
Rosalie: *kisses Emmett passionately* I think you know…  
Writting2StayHalfSane: AWKWARD!!! Let's get out of here!  
sunshinefanatic: Agreed!!! *runs away*  
*Crash! Crunch! Odd Musical Notes!*  
Emmett: Crap!! What have I done?!?  
Edward: *runs down stair and sees what Emmett has done then snarls with anger* YOU BROKE MY PIANO!!!!!  
Rosalie: Don't get mad at Emmett! Leave him alone!!!  
Edward: You did it too! You owe me a new grand piano!  
Everyone who is not already in room: *walks in*  
Esme: Emmett, what did you do?!?  
Emmett: Sorry! I didn't mean to!  
Edward: *tries really hard not to strangle Emmett and fortunately succeeds*  
Carlisle: What is wrong with this family and their "distractions"?  
Esme: Everyone, just calm down!!  
Jasper: What were you doing Emmett?  
Emmett: Umm…I got distracted…  
Jasper: *trying to suck up to Carlisle* Carlisle, Alice and I don't have a problem with that. We have other hobbies.  
Carlisle: *looks at Esme*  
Esme: Okay. Emmett, you'll buy a new piano for Edward and please, try to be more careful.  
Carlisle: Come on gang, let's get this mess cleaned up!  
Rosalie: *starts up the stairs*  
Esme: *gives Carlisle a worried glance*

**Later that Evening…**  
Alice: *skips around the house sprinkling pieces of tinsel everywhere*  
Bella: *sounding down* Hey Alice…  
Alice: Hey Bella! What's up?  
Bella: You didn't hear all the disagreements Edward and Carlisle, well, everyone had?  
Alice: Oh! I did but I thought it best to stay out of it.  
Bella: Yeah, but did you hear Edward blamed me for it?  
Alice: Hmm…that's strange. *starts humming*  
Bella: *thinks* Hmm… That's odd. I thought she would be more supportive. *says* See you! *walks away.*  
Alice: *grins mischievously*  
Jasper: *walks in* Hey Alice!  
Alice: Hello!  
Jasper: Is the plan working?  
Alice Yes! *laughs villainously*  
Jasper: *joins in*  
_*doorbell Rings*_  
Bella: I'll get it! *gets door*  
Seth: Hey! Merry Christmas Eve!!!  
Bella: *squeal* Seth! You're here! Is Jake with you?  
Seth: Umm…he's coming later.  
Bella: *sad face* Becomes suspicious* What's he doing?  
Seth: Honestly…I don't know.  
Edward: Hey Seth!  
Seth: Hola Ed!  
Esme: Oh, hello Seth. Come in!  
Seth: *walks in* Thanks!  
Esme: We were all about to leave for our Christmas feast…but you can wait in the living room.  
Seth: Oh…*smiles sheepishly* sure.  
Hero: *bursts though ceiling* Does anyone need saving?  
Bella: WHAT?!?!  
Esme: *stares at Bella weirdly* Who is she talking to?  
Everyone minus Bella and Esme: *shrugs*  
Carlisle: Okay gang, let's head out!!

**One Hour Later…**  
Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett: *get home from hunting trip*  
Bella: Seth? *walks in living room and to her great surprise sees Seth kissing a girl* Uh…hello.  
Seth: *looks up to see Bella and blushes* Oh, Hiya Bella! This is my friend…uh…  
Seth's friend: Maggie. I'm Maggie. Hi. *puts out hand*  
Bella: Hi… *shakes Maggie's hand*  
The Other Vegetarian Vamps: *walk in the room*  
Carlisle: What's going on in here?  
Bella: Seth brought a friend.  
Carlisle: Oh, how splendid!  
Rosalie: Whoa! Wait a minute! Seth can have a friend over at our house but we get in trouble for kissing?  
Carlisle: Be nice Rose!

Rosalie: No! *Stomps upstairs Emmett trailing behind her*  
Carlisle: Sorry about that Seth and…  
Maggie: Maggie.  
Bella: You know I sort of agree with Rose, I don't think this is fair!

Carlisle: All right, fine. Since tonight is Christmas Eve you can do whatever you want.  
Emmett: *victorious yelp from upstairs*  
Rosalie: *satisfied laugh*

**Later…**  
Everyone: *starts watching _It's A Wonderful Life_*  
Alice: *gets up and walks out beckoning Jasper to follow her*  
Jasper: *complains* But this is my favorite part of the entire movie!!!  
Alice: *growls and gives him 'a look'*  
Jasper: Okay, okay. I'm a coming.  
Alice and Jasper: *leave*  
Everyone who has not left the room: *look at each other in confusion and then shrugs*

**In Alice and Jasper's room…**  
Alice: Jasper, does it fit?  
Jasper: We need something to make me appear fatter. *looks around room*  
Alice: *grabs a pillow* Here! Now, hurry!!!  
Jasper: *shoves pillow up his shirt* Ready!  
Alice: Good, now go wait on the roof and I'll go downstairs.  
Jasper: Right! *starts out door* Wait, is Renesmee here yet?  
Alice: They'll arrive in one minute and twenty-one point fifty-seven seconds.  
Jasper: Good! *heads for roof*

**Back Downstairs…**  
_*doorbell rings*_  
Carlisle: *opens door* Hell, Jacob!!  
Jacob: Hey Doc! *hands Carlisle Renesmee then walks in room to sit on couch*  
Bella: Carlisle, may I? *holds out hands for Renesmee*  
Carlisle: Sure. *hands Renesmee to Bella*

_*All of the sudden everyone hears a big bang coming from the living room and a very large dirty man with a fake beard is standing in the middle of the room*  
_  
Esme: Jasper?  
Jasper: *ignores Esme* Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas!  
Renesmee: Santa Clause!!  
Jasper: Hello my darling girl! What do you want for Christmas?  
Renesmee: *asks Bella if she can 'show' Santa something*  
Bella: Sure.  
Renesmee: *shows Santa her family when they are all happy*  
Everyone: *touched by Renesmee's sweet wish*  
Jasper: *continues to let out a stream of 'Ho, Ho, Ho's'*  
Alice: *begins singing Christmas Carols*  
Everyone other than Jasper, Alice and Renesmee: *begin exchanging Christmas greetings and well-wishings*  
Renesmee: *smiles triumphantly knowing that because of her everyone will get along, at least for a few hours*

* * *

_Carlisle:_ Merry Christmas to all of Writting2StayHalfSane's readers!  
_Esme:_ An extra Merry Christmas to all of you who click the little green button and review!  
_Seth:_ And some burritos! No fanfiction is complete without a burrito!  
_Everyone bedsides Seth:_ *stares oddly at Seth wondering why he is always thinking about Mexican food*  
_Emmett:_ I hope all of you have a *winks* entertaining Christmas!  
_Rosalie:_ You guys! Don't be rude. Not everyone is Christian! Don't forget the Jews. They deserve a good December too! Happy Hanukkah to all of you Jew's out there who, for whatever reason, are reading this Christmas fanfic.  
_Alice:_ Well, duh. We weren't going to forget them. You didn't have to interrupt our little speech, Rose.  
_Jasper:_ Yeah, Rose. Jeez.  
_Bella:_ And those who celebrate Kwanzaa! Have a good Kwanzaa!  
_Edward:_ Well, anyway, Happy Holidays guys!  
_Writting2StayHalfSane:_ *laughes* You guys are wierd. Happy Holidays (yes, that includes Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, Rose) everyone!  
_Renesmee:_ *agrees with Writting2StayHalfSane* Play!  
_Edward:_ Alright! *plays Christmas music on the piano*  
_Jacob: _Wait! We are forgeting something really important!!  
_Writting2StayHalfSane: _What?  
_Jacob: _*whispers in Writting2StayHalfSane's ear*  
_Writting2StayHalfSane: _Oh yeah! Many thanks to my co-writer sunshinefanatic! She is the bestest! Okay. THE END!


End file.
